I am really struggling today... so much so I felt like the only way I could even somewhat get anything accomplished today is by writing it down, to reflect and understand what happened here...
“Be sober and self-controlled. Be watchful. Your adversary, the devil, walks around like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.” 1 Peter 5:8
I truly do feel like the devil is in the details more than I can actually tell right now, but it doesn't make it feel any better honestly...
Yesterday I was so excited when I realized it was Saturday and we would finally be able to get back to church on Sunday. It felt like I was vibrating with so much joy in my heart to just get back to my "home".
I love our new church. It has always felt like home, but today... I can't lie, it was the first time I felt like an outsider and I hate to say it... but really like we weren't welcome with the loving hearts we always are embraced with when we enter those doors.
I felt separated and uninvited. I had comments, "Oh! You're actually here." And, not warm hugs. It actually almost brings me to tears... I am so uncomfortable with the feeling my stomach is in knots and I actually had to take my anxiety pill to calm down. Which stinks... but I honestly am just taken back and wondering what happened...?
Is it me?
Did I do this?
Is it because we have been gone and/or sick every weekend for months now?
Are they disappointed in us?
Did we do something wrong?
I had thoughts of wanting to get baptized again, and now I feel like ... I don't know....
And I truly hate this doubt... hesitation... insecurity of being unwelcome anymore..
I'm sick I am even putting these words in written form, but I promised I would be real, and I promised I wouldn't hold back even if it made people uncomfortable (including myself). My intention with this blog is not to make anyone feel bad, upset and/or any emotion at all. But it is how I felt... My husband even got the vibe and he's not even really a "viber" type person.
What shifted?
There were three people that I didn't feel completely distant from, and they were wonderful. A breath of fresh air in fact. I'm clinging to them thinking, there's God. There's God shining through my insecurities. The devil is just being a jerk. Taking what I was so truly excited about and making me feel unwelcome is just the devils doing right now.... right? Surely!
I don't believe it's time to switch churches. I don't want to switch at all, but honestly we would had stayed with our previous church if I wanted to continue with this closed-off feeling.
My heart is broken today. I was so excited, I was practically dorky giddy smiling about getting back into a routine to church every Sunday. Unfortunately, the day did not embrace me as much as I was hoping it would. Didn't help we woke up so late too. Slept past the alarm and that started us off getting there late, and then boom... feeling like an outsider who wasn't invited...
And it really doesn't make me feel any better writing these words either. Reflection is almost heart-wrenching because I worry someone will see this post and take my words wrong, and judge me like I am attacking them and their church too. It's just not the case, and I am truly sorry that my feelings have now hurt yours. That is definitely not my intent here. I honestly just can't wrap my head around what happened this morning. I truly hate that I am in such an uncomfortable state after I was so excited for this day....
I don't know what to do, so all I can do is just pray about it...
The devil is in the details - I know he is, and I can't let him win.
Churches are ran by human beings, sinners ourselves, and that makes them imperfect and capable of having off days too, and that is perfectly fine. It wasn't the warm welcoming it always has been for us in the past, it wasn't even comfortable at all, but I know the core of my church is so beautiful, warm, gentle, and inviting with loving arms and grateful hearts when people are there to worship with them. So I am going to hold on to that, and pray for my church, myself, and all of it. I truly pray God brings my heart peace on the matter, that if there is anything I can do from my part, that God will grant me the wisdom and knowledge to do my part effectively so that all is well for all. Because let's face it, I am not the only one attending and if it needs to operate specifically for God's plan, I pray for ...
ugh...
words are stuck here and I am about to start rambling....
I am going to pray for peace, guidance, and God's light leading my path to His way.
That's just simply all I can do...
Extra helpful bible verses:
“Now the Lord is the Spirit and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty.” 2 Cor. 3:17
"For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them." Matthew 18:20