I thought this blog would come so easily for me. I thought all the words would just flow through me like they were just flowing out of me one hour ago.... I guess it’s just not that easy to explain the true moment that just happened to me.
This week I have experienced a type of virus-like sickness that I seriously cannot recall every experiencing before. I mean the fact that its Thursday and I still truly feel like my whole system is being attacked by a bunch of demonic viruses is ridiculous in my opinion on myself. I honestly cannot remember a time when I was sicker longer than 3 days. Well trust me - I doubt I will ever forget this one!
Today, the depression has started creeping in. The fact that everyone in my house is healing and doing better brings my heart so much joy. However, I am sitting here thinking, “what am I chopped liver? What about me now?” Which is probably a whole other self-absorbed issue in itself I am sure, but hey, I’m human and I am owning my pity party here.
Anyways, after putting the kids to bed my chills were slowly starting to come back and I could feel my body aching and the dang demonic parasite taking over my body was making itself known again... so I stripped down and jumped in the shower. My husband was begging me to leave him hot water so he could shower before going into work tonight, so my hot shower bliss was even cut short. I rubbed my body down with some Breathe and OnGuard Doterra oils, and stepped out of the warm bathroom.
I. Felt. Like. Death. STILL.
And I was mentally done.
There was no more, “I can handle this“. There was no more faking it till I made it. I plopped down on my bed, laying on my large Pranamat and just lost it...
Here I was, fresh out of the shower, lying there fulling exposed, arms wide open by my side pleading with God to finally heal me. To breathe his breath into my lungs, to heal my swollen ankles and to just simply forgive me...
What started as a pleading and praying to just heal my sickness turned into a type of exposure I never dreamed would come out of me, but I could not be more thankful it did...
I can’t tell you if I have ever laid down - fully exposed to God in the way I was tonight. My skin might had been naked, but it was my soul that truly was exposed tonight - laid out completely barred. It was my soul that needed cleansing and forgiving. My soul that needed to acknowledge everything and realize that it was my soul that truly needed the healing. I believe it all is still stemming back from my younger days, the days when I was so lost and confused and made every bad decision with finding myself.
But I still love that lost little girl, and I’m still completely torn on where this journey is going for my mental health. However, one thing I am sure of is God loved her just as much as he still loves me now.
Tonight, well tonight I was forgiven.
It’s a feeling I cannot describe. It is a feeling that no words will ever be able to truly hold accountable... But tonight, as I laid naked and exposed physically - my soul was cleansed. All the shame, lies, experiences, conquests and actions was exposed. I did not bury my face. I did not close my eyes in embarrassment. For the first time, I came to God with all I have been carrying: scars, shames, torment, etc, and surrendered it over to him. And I asked for His forgiveness.
& you know what is the most amazing feeling about all this....
This time, I know that He did forgive me, and embraced me in His loving arms....
“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.” -Psalms 51:10-12 ESV
